Part II
Taking it on the road: Sex with a partner
So, if you understand how sexual response works in general and for yourself, and have a good handle on what pleases you and makes you feel good, you've got a great start in bringing that to a partnership, if that is something you are interested in doing. It should go without saying that because sex is a multifaceted thing which is mainly based in ourselves, no one HAS to have a partner to be sexually satisfied, and some people don't want a partner, either for certain periods of time, or permanently. However, we may want one, or may have a partnership in which sex evolves as a natural part of expressing love and attraction for our partner.
Silly as it may sound, the best analogy I can make to having sex with a partner is that it is nearly identical to learning to dance with a partner. When we dance alone, we feel the rhythm on the music in our bodies, and move as feels natural. But if we add a partner, sometimes the way we move doesn't always mesh with how THEY move, and we can both end up with a lot of bruises and sore toes.
If we know how we %26quot;move%26quot; in our own sexuality, it's easier to work with someone else. The way that we can make our different styles, movements, desires and preferences work together is by communication and by simply paying attention and being respectful of one another. If we use masturbation when we feel nonspecific desire, and are with a partner because we want to be with that particular person and share our energy and care with them, we've got a great head start.
A good way to handle the start of any sexual relationship is to talk about it. Discuss your limits. Are there things you like and don't like? Are there things you are and are not comfortable doing? Get all of that stuff out in the open. It's hard to respect someone's boundaries if you don't know what they are. That doesn't mean you need to know them all walking in, however. Often, only once we are with someone do we get a sense of what is okay and what isn't, but if we've already developed a relationship where we can talk about sex freely, it's pretty easy to pull back the reins and say, %26quot;Whoa!%26quot; when we need to without anyone getting upset. Sometimes talking about sex with someone else can be a little awkward, but it's okay to be nervous or get the giggles.
Working out sex with a partner is surprisingly similar to working it out with yourself: the only real difference is that you need to talk out loud and you need to take someone else's feelings, desires and needs into consideration and make them work with your own.
Just like with masturbation, you need to make sure you both feel -- and really ARE -- safe and secure. If you're avoiding pregnancy, you need to be using a reliable birth control method that works for you both. You also need to be practicing safer sex to keep you both safe and healthy, you need to be consistently taking care of your sexual health with regular clinic or OB/GYN visits.
Being physically safe has a lot to do with feeling emotionally safe. Just as important is that you both feel emotionally safe together on others levels. Can you trust each other to respect limits and boundaries? To think of the both of you, not just yourselves? To listen and ask questions to find out what feels good and what doesn't? All of those things are important, and you should establish them all long before you get sexually involved.
Again, think of it just like learning to dance. Do what feels good to you both, where you can both enjoy yourselves. Talk about the steps that you like. If your partner doesn't know one of them, teach him or her how! You may find you learn things with a partner you didn't on your own, or that some things feel different than they do when you do them by yourself, and that's the beauty of sex with a partner. There's no shame in having something be new or unknown. We all have to learn, and learning can be enjoyable. In fact, if you've got it all going, every single time you have sex -- no matter what you do or do not do -- with yourself, or with someone else, should be a new and wonderful experience.
Q%26amp;A
What is multiple orgasm, and can only women experience it?
Multiple orgasm is when someone has more than one orgasm, and it isn't unique to women, though it is more common for women to have secondary orgasms closer to their first one. So, if you have an orgasm, and you then either take a little break and stimulate yourself again, or keep going with your stimulation and have another, you have experienced multiple orgasm.
How come I can't orgasm when my boyfriend and I are having intercourse? What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you at all. At least half of ALL women (and that is a very conservative estimate) do not usually (or sometimes ever) experience a sexual climax from penis-in-vagina intercourse alone. As was said before, intercourse is not sex, but can be part of sex. In order to enjoy sex and experience full arousal, plateau and climax, you need to stimulate more than just your vaginal canal. Perhaps you and your boyfriend aren't giving you enough other stimulation before or during intercourse. Perhaps you just aren't in the mood. Take stock of what you are and are not doing when you don't climax or enjoy intercourse, and compare it to the things that DO please you, then incorporate them into your sexual intercourse.
Why didn't my boyfriend orgasm from oral sex?
No single sexual act can guarantee intercourse for everyone, nor can something which brings us to orgasm on one day necessarily bring us to orgasm the next. Talk to your boyfriend: ask him how he's feeling, what he enjoys, and what feels good to him, and think beyond orgasm. Again, sex isn't about orgasm. Sometimes, when we try and practice sex with orgasm as a goal -- rather than pleasure -- we make orgasm harder to achieve rather than easier.
How can I make my partner orgasm?
You can't. But your partner can help you to do the things that bring him or her to orgasm by showing you or talking about what things they enjoy, how they like to be touched, and so forth. The best thing to do if you want to please your partner is to focus on their pleasure, not an impending orgasm. If everyone is feeling good, it's much less of a big deal whether they orgasm or not.
Do women ejaculate?
Yes and no. During arousal and orgasm, the vagina produces more vaginal fluid and lubrication. This is the most common kind of sexual fluid that women%26rsquo;s vaginas produce. This is not considered an actual ejaculation.
However, some women enjoy stimulation to the g-spot (a spongy spot inside the vagina a couple inches, towards the belly, not the back), and some women find that this can sometimes result in an orgasm which expels a thin, watery, whitish fluid from the urethra, the same place from which males ejaculate. That IS considered to be an ejaculation. Not all women have ejaculatory orgasms, even with g-spot stimulation. Not all women who are capable of having this kind of orgasm have it all the time. The amount of fluid that is ejaculated can vary greatly from person to person, as well, when these kinds of orgasms happen in women.
Is it bad for you to get sexually aroused and not orgasm? Is it bad for people to abstain form sex or be celibate their whole lives, or even for a little while?
No and no. Sometimes getting highly sexually aroused, especially if you have been stimulating your genitals can be uncomfortable, a little or a lot. This is because the blood that rushes to the genitals when you are aroused and sexually stimulated gets trapped as your blood vessels constrict (get smaller), and then it is difficult and time-consuming for the blood to drain back out, a process which orgasm accelerates. It%26rsquo;s extremely similar to the process that causes tension headaches. If this happens and you find it uncomfortable, you can either try and masturbate and have an orgasm, or, as we mentioned before, take a walk, a nap, or a few ibuprofen or aspirin tablets. In men, sometimes people call this sexual congestion %26quot;blue balls,%26quot; but it isn't harmful. For some men who find it highly uncomfortable, using an ice pack in addition can be a great relief. But it isn't bad for you, and can%26rsquo;t do any permanent damage.
The same goes for sex of any sort. Even if we don't masturbate (and most people do), we won't get sick or unhealthy, and our bodies don't store up sperm or sexual fluids. Our bodies constantly replace dead cells of all types, including blood, sperm, vaginal fluids, and most other kinds of cells we have to keep the level of functional cells constant. You don%26rsquo;t need to masturbate in order to get rid of %26ldquo;excess%26rdquo; semen or sperm any more than you need to bleed out %26ldquo;excess%26rdquo; blood, because there is no such thing.
What's bad for you is to have sex when you don't want to, or to try and force your body to orgasm when it just isn't in the right state. Needless to say, it is also exceptionally unhealthy to try and force or pressure a partner into sexual activities by saying we'll get sick or feel bad if they don't participate in them with us. Our bodies don't really know the difference between a hand and a vagina, a finger or two and a penis -- only our minds do. If we're feeling sexually pent up, we can and should relieve that on our own through masturbation when our partners don't want to participate.
Is sex better when both partners orgasm at the same time?
Not necessarily, and in fact, most sex therapists advise couples against aiming for simultaneous orgasm. Trying to have sex like synchronized swimming isn't such a great idea because it makes it harder for both people to focus on simply enjoying themselves, therefore making any orgasm at all more difficult, let alone doing it at the same time. When it happens on it's own, it's pretty neat, and is a very nice moment, but it's more likely to happen naturally than to be forced. More times than not, when people try and force it, one or both partners ends up faking an orgasm, which sets a bad sexual pattern, and isn't any fun for anyone.
What if I just CAN'T orgasm?
Then you just can't right now, and that's no big deal. Again, sex isn't about orgasm, it's about pleasure, and it's hard to experience pleasure when you're trying to get past the finish line with little care for running the race. You know how people say %26quot;It isn't if you win or lose, it's how you play the game?%26quot; Same holds true for sex: it's a process, not a product.
First, make sure that you're getting involved in sexual activities when your mind and body really want to. You can't skip all of the stages of sexual response to get to the end. If you aren't desiring sex, or aren't getting aroused -- for whatever reason -- you cannot orgasm. Maybe you aren't in the mood. Maybe you're tired, or maybe you've overstimulated your body. If you're having trouble with a partner, maybe you're not communicating what you need, or maybe there is some stress in the relationship that has you preoccupied.
Remember that sex isn't about getting points or prestige, or about being %26quot;mature%26quot; or impressing anyone. You can't do it %26quot;wrong%26quot; if you're respecting yourself and others, practicing it safely and sanely, and you and your partner (if you have one) are enjoying one another. No one is a %26quot;sex master,%26quot; and thank goodness, or else sex wouldn't be very exciting or enriching. Sex is a normal and natural part of life, and like the rest of our lives, is something that is always growing and changing alongside us as we grow and change. We get to know our sexual selves the same way we get to know all of the other aspects of ourselves, and that isn't something we can or should rush -- it's what we've got our whole life to do.
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