%26ldquo;I love you, but not like that, more like a friend. I though it will go away, and this is just one of my phases, but it is not. I can't live like that. It's not honest. Not for you, not for me. Everything turned into routine and I hate it!
I really thought I loved you- I wasn't lying when I said those words. If I could force myself to love you till the end of my life, I would, cos the last thing I wanna do is hurt you. You've been my best friend for the past 3 years... but I can't live like this. I thought I can, but I can't. I am sorry... %26ldquo;
Heard those words? And caught unprepared? Don't worry! It is not the end of the world! We will help you get through this!
Read on!
Feelings...
First of all, lets analyze feeling that occur when relationship ends. Of course, there are no right or wrong feelings, we are all unique, but still: there are just feeling that typically occur when relationship ends. All these feelings are 'normal' and actually necessary to the process of healing so that we can move on and engage in other relationships.
Loss. Yes, relationship end is a loss- you loose all your dreams of future love life. It hurts!
Sadness. Sadness for we have suffered a great loss.
Denial. This is not happening to me!
Self-blame. We blame ourselves that we didn't do that, we should have done that.
It is not that simple...
Guilt. We feel guilty for loosing relationship, especially if we end relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner, and yet we don't want to stay in a relationship that has no future. It is not easy for noone.
Fear. Fear of new feelings, fear of future, fear of sleeping alone, fear of not being loved again, fear that we may never survive our loss.
Confusion. Our world has collapsed. We are not who we thought we were.
Hope. We hope that partner will return, that the parting is only temporary. Accept the truth and hope for better day for yourself, not for relationship.
Bargaining. We plead. %26ldquo;Don't go!%26rdquo;
Relief. Relief that pain, fighting and routine has come to the end.
Before you forget- you must grieve and forgive
Grieving and forgiving takes time. For most the hardest step in dealing with grief and loneliness.
According to all psychotherapists it is very important to allow time for adequate grieving, not just in terms of ending relationship, but in terms of great loss.
Bob Carver, psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, states, %26quot;When any relationship ends, friendship, kinship, or a male/female relationship, it is important to grieve that ending. Allowing adequate time to evaluate what was right and wrong about the relationship is of great significance for the next relationship. Don't go from one bad relationship to another without doing this.%26quot;
And yes, he is right! Stepping into new relationship without understanding failure of previous one cannot result in success.
Carver continues, %26quot;A friendship or any other relationship fails because of three things:
Breath in- breathe out
First of all know- it is nobody's fault. It is hard, but perhaps it is the best thing it could happen to you- you just don't that yet. It might take some time to accept the fact that the relationship has ended, but this is a perfect opportunity to learn more about yourself, to meat your old friends, and do the things you always wanted to do, but didn't have the time.
Here are also few advices what to do when relationship comes to end, you might find helpful:
Talk to someone you trust. At times like this you need either someone that will listen to you or someone's shoulder to cry on. It is essential for you to get some emotional support from someone you trust and work through how you're feeling. You may find it helpful to talk to your friends, sister or brother, parents, doctor or counsellor or someone else you trust.
Keep busy. Be active and do things you enjoy doing. They will help you keep your mind off the break up. Hang out with your friends, listen to music, attain sport activities or cultural activities, read a good book - do whatever you enjoy doing.
Try something new. Something you always wanted to do, but didn't really have the time. I am sure there are things and activities like that. For example: take diving class, or drama class, if your wish were to become an actor/actress; or singing classes, learn how to play a guitar. There are so many things you need to learn. Follow Mahatma Gandhi: %26ldquo;Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever!%26rdquo; Beautiful worlds, aren't they? Actualize them!
Look after yourself. I know these are times you would want to feel sorry for yourself and pour gallons of alcohol and forget about the world around you, but behavior like that does not lead you nowhere. It is difficult times %26ndash; and this is one reason more to look after yourself. Eat healthy and combine that with exercising. Treat yourself with saunas and massages, manicures and pedicures, or simply just with a pierce of cake. Do what you love doing- all that matters is that you're having fun.
Practice healthy avoidance. Avoid seeing or interacting with your former partner, and most important - avoid excess in the use of alcohol, food, and medications. The first impression may be you are reducing emotional pain, but you are actually setting up to continue it for a longer time. Calling your former partner to relieve the pain is simply continuing the connection where your recovery will be destined to start over and over again. Don't do that.
Smile again! You are OK and you will survive! Think about the person you were before relationship, about all the people that respect you and think high of you. Think about your friend and achievements! Think about people you love and all the people in this world that love you!
Remember, not all love matches work forever. Although this might be initial hope when starting relationship, relationship is path of inquiry- looking for a life partner. There is no guarantee there will be one. This is life -as cruel as it might sound, or as cruel as it might be. Ups and downs are simply part of this great big mess. And after rain, there is always sun! It is, it really is. You just don't see it! Not yet. Give yourself time and most of all rely on yourself. You will survive! You always did!
I really thought I loved you- I wasn't lying when I said those words. If I could force myself to love you till the end of my life, I would, cos the last thing I wanna do is hurt you. You've been my best friend for the past 3 years... but I can't live like this. I thought I can, but I can't. I am sorry... %26ldquo;
Heard those words? And caught unprepared? Don't worry! It is not the end of the world! We will help you get through this!
Read on!
Feelings...
First of all, lets analyze feeling that occur when relationship ends. Of course, there are no right or wrong feelings, we are all unique, but still: there are just feeling that typically occur when relationship ends. All these feelings are 'normal' and actually necessary to the process of healing so that we can move on and engage in other relationships. Loss. Yes, relationship end is a loss- you loose all your dreams of future love life. It hurts!
Sadness. Sadness for we have suffered a great loss.
Denial. This is not happening to me!
Self-blame. We blame ourselves that we didn't do that, we should have done that.
It is not that simple...
Guilt. We feel guilty for loosing relationship, especially if we end relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner, and yet we don't want to stay in a relationship that has no future. It is not easy for noone.
Fear. Fear of new feelings, fear of future, fear of sleeping alone, fear of not being loved again, fear that we may never survive our loss.
Confusion. Our world has collapsed. We are not who we thought we were.
Hope. We hope that partner will return, that the parting is only temporary. Accept the truth and hope for better day for yourself, not for relationship.
Bargaining. We plead. %26ldquo;Don't go!%26rdquo;
Relief. Relief that pain, fighting and routine has come to the end.
Before you forget- you must grieve and forgive
Grieving and forgiving takes time. For most the hardest step in dealing with grief and loneliness.
According to all psychotherapists it is very important to allow time for adequate grieving, not just in terms of ending relationship, but in terms of great loss.
Bob Carver, psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas, states, %26quot;When any relationship ends, friendship, kinship, or a male/female relationship, it is important to grieve that ending. Allowing adequate time to evaluate what was right and wrong about the relationship is of great significance for the next relationship. Don't go from one bad relationship to another without doing this.%26quot;
And yes, he is right! Stepping into new relationship without understanding failure of previous one cannot result in success.
Carver continues, %26quot;A friendship or any other relationship fails because of three things:
- Unexpressed expectations,
- Undelivered communication
- And/or thwarted attention.%26quot;
Breath in- breathe out
First of all know- it is nobody's fault. It is hard, but perhaps it is the best thing it could happen to you- you just don't that yet. It might take some time to accept the fact that the relationship has ended, but this is a perfect opportunity to learn more about yourself, to meat your old friends, and do the things you always wanted to do, but didn't have the time.
Here are also few advices what to do when relationship comes to end, you might find helpful:
Talk to someone you trust. At times like this you need either someone that will listen to you or someone's shoulder to cry on. It is essential for you to get some emotional support from someone you trust and work through how you're feeling. You may find it helpful to talk to your friends, sister or brother, parents, doctor or counsellor or someone else you trust.
Keep busy. Be active and do things you enjoy doing. They will help you keep your mind off the break up. Hang out with your friends, listen to music, attain sport activities or cultural activities, read a good book - do whatever you enjoy doing.
Try something new. Something you always wanted to do, but didn't really have the time. I am sure there are things and activities like that. For example: take diving class, or drama class, if your wish were to become an actor/actress; or singing classes, learn how to play a guitar. There are so many things you need to learn. Follow Mahatma Gandhi: %26ldquo;Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever!%26rdquo; Beautiful worlds, aren't they? Actualize them!
Look after yourself. I know these are times you would want to feel sorry for yourself and pour gallons of alcohol and forget about the world around you, but behavior like that does not lead you nowhere. It is difficult times %26ndash; and this is one reason more to look after yourself. Eat healthy and combine that with exercising. Treat yourself with saunas and massages, manicures and pedicures, or simply just with a pierce of cake. Do what you love doing- all that matters is that you're having fun.
Practice healthy avoidance. Avoid seeing or interacting with your former partner, and most important - avoid excess in the use of alcohol, food, and medications. The first impression may be you are reducing emotional pain, but you are actually setting up to continue it for a longer time. Calling your former partner to relieve the pain is simply continuing the connection where your recovery will be destined to start over and over again. Don't do that.
Smile again! You are OK and you will survive! Think about the person you were before relationship, about all the people that respect you and think high of you. Think about your friend and achievements! Think about people you love and all the people in this world that love you!
Remember, not all love matches work forever. Although this might be initial hope when starting relationship, relationship is path of inquiry- looking for a life partner. There is no guarantee there will be one. This is life -as cruel as it might sound, or as cruel as it might be. Ups and downs are simply part of this great big mess. And after rain, there is always sun! It is, it really is. You just don't see it! Not yet. Give yourself time and most of all rely on yourself. You will survive! You always did!
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