It is no surprise that everyday I answer a new question about STIs, pregnancy and contraceptives when many people are not equipped with the knowledge and expertise to have safe sex. I mean, look at yourself: do you know what contraception to you use for different aspects of your sexual life?! If not, come and sit with me in Safe sex: Room 101.
Thankfully, some people are now using safer sex throughout their sexual lives, beginning from day one. But for some, that just isn't the case. It is no secret that the more responsible we are, and the more safe and protected we feel, the easier it is to be really aroused and to enjoy sex. Worry and fear about disease, infection and pregnancy does actually inhibit our brains from firing off all the pistons that make us aroused and sexually excited. In men that can mean premature ejaculation, or trouble with erection. In women that can mean a lack of vaginal lubrication, vaginal tightness and discomfort and inhibitors to orgasm. So, aside of the mental anguish, there are also very real and visible physical effects to taking risks we just don't feel good about. And since sex isn't a requirement %26shy; you won%26rsquo;t die if you don%26rsquo;t have it, honest! Although it is something any of us should only do to feel pleasure, closeness and joy, if it's riddled with anxiety and fear, there's just no point to it.
Time to be safe?! Why not build a safer sex kit?! 'What is that%26rsquo; I hear you say. Well%26hellip; A safer sex kit is a kit you build yourself and keep with you in your bag, next to your bed, anywhere basically. What to put inside this kit:
First thing first: the dreaded condom! It is common to have reservations when using a condom for the first time. I know when I first used a condom I asked %26lsquo;what condom should I use, how do I put a condom on my boyfriend and is flavoured effective?!%26rsquo;. Although many people mistakenly assume that all men know how to correctly use condoms, incorrect use is common and is a major cause of condom failure.
Remember:
Do not use grease, oils, lotions, or petroleum jelly (Vaseline) to make the condom slippery. These substances can make the condom break. Use only jelly or cream that does not have oil in it.
Use a new condom each time you have sex.
Only use a condom once.
Store condoms in a cool, dry place.
Do not use a condom that may be old or damaged.
Do not use a condom if:
The package is broken.
The condom is brittle or dried out.
The colour is uneven or has changed.
The condom is unusually sticky.
So how do I put a male condom on?!
Before sex:
1. Carefully open the package so the condom does not tear. (Do not use teeth or a sharp object to open the package.) Do not unroll the condom before putting it on.
2 .If you are not circumcised, pull back the foreskin. Put the condom on the end of the hard penis. Note: If the condom is initially placed on the penis backwards, do not turn it around. Throw it away and start with a new one.
3. Pinching the tip of the condom to squeeze out air, roll on the condom until it reaches the base of the penis.
4. Check to make sure there is space at the tip and that the condom is not broken. With the condom on, insert the penis for intercourse.
After sex:
5. After ejaculation hold onto the condom at the base of the penis. Keeping the condom on, pull the penis out before it gets soft.
6. Slide the condom off without spilling the semen inside. Tie and Dispose of the used condom appropriately
This said, it is important to know when to use what method of contraception to use when participating in different sexual acts:
- Penis-in-vagina intercourse: Condom and lubricant
- Anal Intercourse: Condom and lubricant (ALWAYS use a new condom if switching between vaginal and anal intercourse)
- Fellatio (%26ldquo;giving head%26quot; or %26quot;blow job%26quot;): Flavoured condom or unlubricated condom with flavoured lube (latex by itself can taste kind of yucky). Latex gloves if combined with manual sex. REMEMBER: Flavoured condoms should only be used in fellatio; stronger condoms should be used when having intercourse.
- Cunnilingus (%26quot;going down%26quot; or %26quot;eating out%26quot;): Dental dam or saran wrap barrier, lubricant.
- Analingus (or %26quot;rimming%26quot;): Dental dam or saran wrap barrier
- Manual sex (%26quot;fingering%26quot;, or %26quot;hand job%26quot;): Latex gloves, lubricant
Note: Lubricant means latex-safe, water-based (or sometimes silicone) lube expressly MADE FOR SEXUAL ACTIVITY and use with condoms and other barriers. The following are NOT safe to be used as lubricants for safe sex: spermicidal jelly or suppositories, Vaseline, baby oil, massage oils, vegetable oil, butter, body lotions or cr%26egrave;mes, or saliva. While those agents can be fine for masturbation or mutual masturbation when NOT using latex, they will either destroy or dissolve the latex or they will simply make it more likely for the latex to erode or tear during use. A broken condom doesn%26rsquo;t do anyone any good.
Remember too that safer sex tools only work if you use them every single time from start to finish. A condom used after ten minutes of intercourse or close contact, or a dam used only halfway into cunnilingus is missing the boat completely!
So, how do you introduce these things without feeling like a Sex Cop or a party pooper? Bear these simple principles in mind.
On some level, it really is. When you were a kid, you really liked being on the swings for hours because it felt good, it gave you an adrenaline rush, and you were able to enjoy how it made you feel. Sex is much the same way. It's a different sort of play, whether we're doing it alone or with a partner. So, remember to have fun with it -- laugh a little, smile, giggle, have a good time. You can make introducing responsible practices part of that play. On the day you want to introduce condoms into your partnership, blow up a bunch of them in your room like balloons. Or buy some glow in the dark ones and don't tell your partner what they do until the lights go out. To introduce latex gloves and lube, borrow a stethoscope and play doctor. To start using a vaginal barrier, make a high-fashion bikini out of the plastic wrap. If things get awkward as you're learning to use these things, let yourself laugh about it -- there IS something very funny about a glove that shoots across the room, or about a neon green condom. And that's a Good Thing -- laughing is a natural aphrodisiac anyway. Laugh a little. Play -- just play safe.
Being really savvy about sexuality and knowing how to manage it like a pro is a natural high. It makes you feel better because you have a whole lot less to worry about, and it makes your partner feel better because then they can feel supported in being responsible, too. In other words, knowing you're responsible, educated and safe is empowering, and when you are sexually empowered, you're in control. And being in control of your sexuality is about as sexy as sexy gets.
1. Sex is often about play -- even responsible sex.
On some level, it really is. When you were a kid, you really liked being on the swings for hours because it felt good, it gave you an adrenaline rush, and you were able to enjoy how it made you feel. Sex is much the same way. It's a different sort of play, whether we're doing it alone or with a partner. So, remember to have fun with it -- laugh a little, smile, giggle, have a good time. You can make introducing responsible practices part of that play. On the day you want to introduce condoms into your partnership, blow up a bunch of them in your room like balloons. Or buy some glow in the dark ones and don't tell your partner what they do until the lights go out. To introduce latex gloves and lube, borrow a stethoscope and play doctor. To start using a vaginal barrier, make a high-fashion bikini out of the plastic wrap. If things get awkward as you're learning to use these things, let yourself laugh about it -- there IS something very funny about a glove that shoots across the room, or about a neon green condom. And that's a Good Thing -- laughing is a natural aphrodisiac anyway. Laugh a little. Play -- just play safe.
2. Being safe makes everyone feel sexier.
Being really savvy about sexuality and knowing how to manage it like a pro is a natural high. It makes you feel better because you have a whole lot less to worry about, and it makes your partner feel better because then they can feel supported in being responsible, too. In other words, knowing you're responsible, educated and safe is empowering, and when you are sexually empowered, you're in control. And being in control of your sexuality is about as sexy as sexy gets.
3. Safer sex comes with some hidden benefits.
Bet you didn't know that condoms can help to maintain erection and fend off premature ejaculation. They sure can. Did you also know that female manual sex with a glove and lube usually feels a WHOLE lot better and more comfortable with a latex glove? Latex gloves keep rough calluses, cuticles and nail tips from scratching delicate vaginal or anal tissue. And vaginal intercourse using condoms and lubricant feels divine: latex provides a smoother texture, and lubricant keeps everything from drying out and getting sore. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Most people find that when they make an attitude adjustment about safer sex that they discover great things about it they never knew.
4. Responsible and safe sex strengthen your relationships.
Responsibility for sex, it can really solidify your bond. Take turns putting on the condom. Create a joint budget for safer sex supplies and do the shopping and choosing together. Make a sex %26quot;kit%26quot; that is just for the two of you, or create a cool case or container to keep your items in that's personalized and fun. And by all means, talk about it. If you don't like the brand of condom or the birth control you're using, work together to find what does work best for the both of you. And get tested for STDs every six months together. It doesn't have to be torture if you make a date of it. Go have a nice breakfast, go get tested, and when the results come in, do something to celebrate. Heck, decorate one another with gold stars!
5. The sexually empowered will inherit the earth.
No kidding. You'll find that having an STD, an STI or an accidental pregnancy can really cramp your style and can potentially bring your sex life (and that of your partners) to a grinding halt. While when these things happen we can find ways of dealing with them, believe me when I tell you that if you can avoid them, you should. Beyond practicing safer, responsible sex, simply being really aware of what your risks are when you're deciding on what sexual activities to participate in and how, and being aware of your own status with regular testing makes all the difference in the world. Not only does it make it a whole lot simpler to make informed choices, it makes it a whole lot simpler to negotiate with a partner when you can tell them flat out that the oral sex they want to have unprotected puts you both at risk for cytomegalovirus, gonorrhoea, hepatitis B, herpes, HIV/AIDS, genital warts, and syphilis, and that you *know* what to do to eradicate that risk and that's what you're going to do. Your being informed not only benefits you, it benefits your partners and everyone around you. People greatly respect and admire that. And when we all get informed and act responsibly, we can make a viable difference in the level and prevalence of disease in our world and help make it a safer place for everybody.
6. In sex, two people (or more) can share the driver%26rsquo;s seat.
One of the great things about sex is that it is about union. There is no need for power struggles, or for one person to be in control and the other to just go along for the ride. There is room for two behind the steering wheel of this car. Learning to communicate and cooperate when it comes to safer sex also helps us to communicate and cooperate in our relationship and in our general sexuality. That means that talking about how and when to use a condom and getting that down pat makes talking about how you'd like to try something new, or about how you want to try and find greater sexual satisfaction a LOT easier. Bonus! What it also means is that BOTH of you make the decisions and responsible choices. If ever you find yourself in a situation where one partner makes all the rules, all the choices, and shoulders all the responsibiliuty (or worse, is in charge of keeping you both unsafe and irresponsible), it%26rsquo;s time to stop being a doormat, grow a backbone and remember that if it isn%26rsquo;t taking two, it%26rsquo;s no sort of partnership at all. And no one likes feeling like a blow-up doll.
7. This is reality: deal with it.
The hard truth of the matter is that currently, in the world we live in, if you're sexually active, right now you've got about a 70% chance of transmitting or contracting a disease or infection before you're done with college. Thats the facts: the records are out there. And if you want to prevent that from happening, you've got to learn how to use this stuff, or you've got to choose not to be sexually active at all when it comes to sexual practices which carry those risks (and basically, the only ones that really don't are phone or cyber sex, masturbation, hugging or massage). Having only one partner can decrease that risk, but it doesn't eradicate it -- that's right, even if you and your partner have never had other partners. So, you're going to have to learn to do this eventually, and learning BEFORE you contract or transmit disease is a whole lot smarter and a whole lot simpler. As the Nike ad says: Just do it. Just do.
Author%26rsquo;s comments
It is my belief and opinion that if you take responsibility for you, yourself and I, sexually, you will be much healthier, in relation to those that wont. I campaign for safe sex because it is something that haunts me, I was raped and yes, I am not afraid to admit it. But, I remember the fear of having to go to a GUM clinic to see if I had a STI through being raped, or worse taking my pregnancy test, hoping I wasn%26rsquo;t pregnant. Needless to say that some, men and women that are vulnerable to catching an STI or, for women, getting pregnant. It is our responsibility to ensure these diseases are not passed on through us. I believe SAFE SEX REALLY IS SEXY!
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