Breaking the Silence, Ceasing the Shame
Recently in court, the defence lawyer shocked me by asking me what else sex was, besides penetration. We need to remember that all penetration is not sex. If you have been raped, you have not %26quot;had sex,%26quot; or initiated or included yourself in a sexual act. In fact, on some level, were the public sentiment different, one would not even include rape in a volume discussing sex, because it has very little to do with sex altogether. Sex is not so simple as to be one physical act: it is a subtle alchemy that happens when we are willingly aroused, physically and emotionally, either alone or with others, and is not contained within something so small as an act of penetration and release.
Where our thoughts, as a whole people, more broad and wider in scope on sexuality, we would understand that an act of rape, legally defined as %26quot;a sexual act committed against a woman's or Man's will,%26quot; is only a sexual act for the perpetrator, and even in that, has far more to do with other factors, such as power and emotional imbalance, than it does with sex at all.
William Blake, in the late 1700's, wrote a piece entitled %26quot;Visions of the Daughters of Albion.%26quot; At the time, the premise of this piece was revolutionary: Oothoon (pronounced oo-aw-thoo-awn), a woman in love with Theotormon, is raped by another, Bromion, and despite Theotormon's feelings she is %26quot;spoiled,%26quot; she boldly asserts otherwise. Oothoon -- and Blake -- state clearly that she is incapable of being spoiled, ruined or sullied by the action of others upon her, in which she had no part or engagement with. Thankfully, in our culture, others have also finally begun to realize this is so!!!
How do you know if you have been raped?
At ANY point, during any act in which your body is violated sexually -- be it via genital or oral penetration, or more ambiguous acts such as being made to feel anothers body against your wishes, et cetera -- if you have made clear, even as simply as saying no once or pushing the other person away, that you do not wish to be sexually engaged, and have been forced, through physical force, coercion or threat to do otherwise, you have been raped.
In general, if you have NOT consented to sexual activity and were forced to participate, that is rape.
No matter what ANYONE tells you, it is not your fault. There certainly is fault, but it lies with the rapist, not the victim!!!!!
You may have walked home alone against your better judgment, you may have been at a party and had too much to drink, or you may have gone alone with someone and initially trusted them and wanted to be with them, but changed your mind, or been sexually engaged with someone and then decided you did not want to be at any point during that act. Even if any of these conditions were present, and even if you didn't make the best choices, if you have not given consent to share physically, and another has done so without your consent, the fault lies with them, though you may want to think about ways to better protect yourself in the future.
What should you do right away?
On a practical level, there are several things you should do. Firstly, you should contact a friend or family member you can trust, who can be with you indefinitely, immediately.
Next, you should call the police, once that person is present, or go to the station to report a rape. When you do, you should state as soon as possible, that you wish to prosecute. You can change your mind later if need be, but saying such as early as you can will initiate testing you will need, and better reporting of the incident. Do NOT at any point, appear to waver on your desire to prosecute, even if you are unsure. When at the station, or at the scene at which you have reported, ask for a rape crisis counselor or advocate. That person will help and support you and your needs during this process.
As much as you will want to take a shower, do not do so until after you make a report and are tested. Showering can remove important evidence like semen, skin and hair, and clothing fibers or fingerprints. Wait until after your examination for bathing. As well, write down all you can recall about the incident, and keep a copy of what you have written for your own records, and give another copy to both the police and a lawyer.
As far as deciding to prosecute, there are several factors you should consider. Due to the laws in this country, rape trials are still not made easy on the victim, and they are often a long and arduous process. Many people still hold the outdated and ignorant notion that in some way, it is the victim's fault. You may hear much of this, if you go to trial, from the perpetrators defense. You may also encounter it at the police station. Rape trials take time, as well. Most rape prosecution cases in the United States and the United Kingdom average anywhere from a few months to over a year to complete, and take at least ten to twenty days to even begin the process. However, for yourself, and other victims, bear in mind that the only way to continue to smash the myths surrounding rape, and make clear it is a serious crime, is to prosecute. You may also have medical expenses you will have to pay, including further testing, STD treatment, abortion, and psychological treatment. You may lose money by taking the time from work or school you need to heal yourself -- all of these expenses are damages, which you are owed compensation for. Above all else, rape is a crime, and persecuting a criminal helps to keep that criminal from committing the same crime, both to you, and to others.
Healing Yourself: Body and Soul
For many of us who are survivors of rape and other sexual abuse, we have taken, and may still take, a lot of time healing ourselves, and dealing with the issues this abuse brings up. There are many support groups for survivors, and you will most likely find your own personal support circle invaluable. Speak up and out -- do not let abuse silence you. You need to work through the feelings of sorrow and anger you have to heal. Largely, you will have to do your own healing. Accept that, and take responsibility for being a survivor, not a perpetual victim.
You may want to evaluate the rape situation to take any future preventative measures you can. Have you taken a self-defense course? Do you make sure to walk home alone only during the day, or if forced to walk at night, find company or walk only on large well-lit streets? If you go to a party, do you bring a friend with you, and keep a friend with you? When on first dates, do you first choose a public place to meet to make a good judgment call on your date safely? Is your home secure?
These precautions, mind you, do not always work, but they do most of the time. However, we can empower ourselves by being sure we are giving ourselves as much respect and safety as possible, and make the possibility of rape far smaller.
Healing Our Culture
An additional precaution, that can also help to heal the sexual and emotional dysfunction in our culture is to keep sex, and discussions of it, open, honest and frank. Empower yourself sexually -- tell potential partners you expect to be taken seriously if disinterested, and that you are owed that respect, which is one you would gladly give to them were the shoe on the other foot.
Do not use sex as a tool for barter or emotional game-playing. Treat it as sacred. If you are angry with a partner, voice your anger. Do not withhold sex as an illustration of it. If you do not want to have sex with that person, say so, and explain why. But do not use sex to try and negotiate for something else, for example, an emotional commitment.
Make your personal limits clear, and do not be afraid or shy to do so. The biggest contributors to sex crimes in this culture are silence and shame. If we understand that sex is sacred, and is normal and healthy, and do not treat it as a taboo, or as something filthy or criminal, we can help to heal our culture, and do our small part to help eradicate rape.
My thoughts and feelings
As a rape and abuse survivor, it is suprising to me that only a quarter of rape survivors actually prosecute the rapist. Though, I did prosecute and it was the most hair-raising and fearful experiance I have ever done, but it was the most important. It helped me to find closure and heal myself. Although the defence was shocking and nasty to me, I knew it was their job. In court, I was looked after by witness protection.By law, they have a duty to protect you and your emotional, mental and physical well-being. He could'nt hurt me there, he could'nt hurt me anymore. Victims do not realise that rapists are cowards once they are caught. In short - the dread of court is only worked up by the fear that the rapist or abuser will strike again. As a writer, i am obliged to tell the truth and the truth is simply that the rapist wont and can't hurt you once you are behind the protection of the police and courts.
One thing I have learnt through prosecuting my rapist is that strength comes from inside you, and you alone. It comes when you least expect it. As humans, we have ways of coping with stress and fear. Survivors need to speak up. Speak up for yourself and use those methods for coping in a positive way to find closure and heal themselves. Healing comes from finding peace in your own heart and mind.
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