Partnership Potholes: Relationship Rough Spots
Every relationship has it's rough spots and periods of conflict, whether we're talking about long-term committed romantic and/or sexual relationships or even more casual scenarios, such as more casual sex, or what is recently referred to as being %26quot;friends with benefits.%26quot;
During rough times, sex can sometimes feel like a real comfort. Lots of people find that %26quot;kissing and making up%26quot; -- sex after fighting or an argument -- can be very satisfying. But it's a good idea to be wary. When your relationships are having rough patches, sometimes staying sexually involved regularly can keep us from really being able to look at the problems. Sex can also be -- intentionally or not -- employed as a tool to try and get a partner to stay when they are thinking about leaving. Sex can also give us the feeling, momentarily or long-term, that everything is okay when it is not.
That isn't to say that sexual activity during relationship rough spots or hard times in necessarily emotionally dangerous or traumatic, because it need not be. But to avoid creating even more problems, entering into denial, or manipulating our partner intentionally or unintentionally, when we have rough patches, it's best to talk with our partners about our sex life together and discuss how both of you feel about it to come to an agreement on what might be best for a given situation.
Get Real: Unrealistic expectations and scenarios
Sex can often have a lot to offer us, both with ourselves and with partners. But there are some things sex really can't give us, or that we shouldn't look to it to repair, fix or supply.
- Sex cannot give us real self-worth, self-esteem or long-term positive body image.
- Partnered sex cannot substitute for our own exploration or understanding of our own bodies.
- Engaging in sex cannot give us reliable sex or sexual health information.
- Sex in and of itself cannot provide love or emotional affection, friendship or emotional support or relationship commitment or security.
- Sex cannot substitute for good communication.
- Sex cannot magically turn anyone into an adult or a mature person.
Expecting sex to be like we see it in the movies or popular culture is unrealistic, and thinking it has magical capabilities is an error. In real life, it's quite a good deal different.
Rarely in the movies, for instance, do we see a couple taking care of their sexual health with regular exams and testing, which a sexually active person NEEDS to do to keep themselves and their partners physically and emotionally well. Rarely in the movies do we see %26quot;quiet%26quot; orgasms, or sex that isn't awful, but isn't mind-numbing or heart-racing either, which sometimes, sex can be...just nice, but nothing to write home about. Rarely in the movies or in popular literature so we see the full spectrum of a couple or a person's sex life, and all the many, many issues that means dealing with. Rarely do we see unhappy endings to sexual conflicts. Rarely do we see couples taking a long time to wade through issues; instead, we usually see colossal fights, huge dramas, or stormy, wailing breakups. Rarely in pornography do we see normal-looking people with normal-looking bodies who have emotional needs and communicate realistically about sex. So, if we base our expectations on things like movies, books, porn or friend's accounts of their relationships (which can often be exaggerated), we're pretty much bound to end up feeling confused, lost or disappointed and will likely not be able to stay grounded in our very real relationships and sexuality and deal with them appropriately.
Finding out what is and isn't realistic usually means basing our expectations on what we see in real life, and taking our sexual relationships one step at a time, day by day, and talking with our partners throughout. It means having discussions about what each person wants and needs, and what each person is and is not able to provide. It means, in short, being really patient and keeping your ideals and fantasies in check.
The biggest unrealistic sexual expectation most people, especially young people, seem to fall into is thinking that sex can create love that is not already there. It can't, no matter how many times you have it, no matter what sexual activity you engage in, no matter if your partner tells you it can. It cannot. Sex can be one way of expressing love and care, and it can be part of love, but it can't pull a love rabbit out of a hat. Even if you can only get to there -- to understanding that sex can't make love, that one thing -- you'll have a really good handle on looking at sex realistically.
Sex For All the Wrong Reasons
It's hard to arbitrarily say what the %26quot;right%26quot; and 'wrong%26quot; reasons for sex, sexual activity and sexual relationships are, because that differs a lot from person to person. We all have our own sets of needs, priorities, desires, goals and aims, and unique relationships.
But there are reasons for having sex that simply are a recipe for disaster, for emotional upset on all sides, for disappointment, hurt or which just aren't reasonable or fair to you or to a partner. Some of those are:
- Being sexually active primarily because others around you are sexually active, and thus, you want to fit in, or because someone is pressuring you.
- To try and fill a void as far as self-wroth, esteem or confidence with sex.
- To try and %26quot;trick%26quot; or manipulate a partner into giving you something you want (such as a relationship commitment) with sex or the promise of sex.
- To avoid being alone or to feel less lonely by having a sex partner or partners
- To get attention from parents, friends or others, to make another person jealous or envious, or to force a reaction from someone by being sexually active.
- To %26quot;prove%26quot; one is an adult to someone by showing one can have sex.
- To create conflict or upset via sexual choices, activities or relationships.
- To take a sex partner when one cares little but simply wants sexual release akin to masturbation.
- To become pregnant without consulting a partner in an effort to try and keep that partner.
- To find out, in action, if you're ready for sex or not.
- To %26quot;just get sex over with.%26quot;
- To %26quot;prove%26quot; love or care to a partner, or to try and impress someone.
It's not always easy if we are sexually active for the wrong reasons to see what we're doing, and that we ARE doing it for the wrong reasons. That's why it's so important to really be as self-aware and as honest with yourself and others as you can, and when you have feelings of doubt, hesitation or anxiety, to take the time to stop and really look at them. It's also important to be kind and fair with yourself if you discover some of your reasons for being sexually active are wrong, unfair, unkind or just unrealistic -- it is a situation pretty much all of us have found ourselves in at least once (and often more than once). It happens, and it is okay, so long as we do become aware of it, and take steps to remedy our errs when we have that awareness.
And in stepping back from those mistakes or errors, we may find we or our partners get hurt in the process regardless: we may have to stop a relationship, or pull back, or spend some time alone, or set aside things that we liked doing or having a lot.
Are you already in a sexual relationship or partnership which you suspect may be emotionally unsafe or unhealthy for you or others? Give yourself a checkup:
Are you:
- Suffering from anxiety, stress or depression, or having unusual physical symptoms, such as stomach aches, insomnia, changes in energy levels or appetite, a sudden drastic increase or decrease in sexual drive, or other physical symptoms that are not caused by an existing condition or illness?
- Putting other important relationships or goals of yours at risk because of your sexual relationship(s)?
- Taking risks which put you and yours in a position of sexual, physical or high emotional risk, or feeling you must make many sacrifices to have or maintain the relationship?
- Feeling isolated from everyone BUT your partner, or having trouble thinking of others outside yourself and your partner(s)?
- Discovering that other important parts of your life are taking a backseat to your sexual relationship(s) or suffering (your grades, your job, your family, etc.)?
- Feeling sad or upset with sexual relationships or encounters far more than you find yourself feeling happy?
- Feeling you must keep sexual activity, tension or issues high and escalating to maintain the relationship, using sexual activity to avoid or diffuse relationship conflicts, or, finding that you are %26quot;zoning out%26quot; during sexual activity?
- Becoming unable to be autonomous and have a life and sense of self independent of your partner or a sexual relationship?
- Feeling bad about yourself in general, or specifically in regard to your sexual relationship or behavior?
If you're experiencing any of these things, I'd suggest you find at least one person who is not your sex partner to talk to about the situation who you feel can be objective, maybe a friend, maybe your clergy leader or a teacher, maybe an aunt or uncle. Take some time alone, too, to really look at how you're feeling, and seek out trouble spots or conflicts. Talk to your partner as well. Making a reality check with someone else and yourself, then talking to your partner, is pretty vital and a good management tool. Things like those listed above may be a signal that your sexual relationship or behavior isn't healthy and balanced, or is doing you harm. And checking in with that possibility now and again never hurts.
It's important to remember that when we get involved sexually, we are taking risks -- physical and emotional -- no matter what. There is no such thing as a no-risk sexual scenario, no matter your age or situation. We take the risk of having our hearts broken, of being disappointed, of STD/STI transmission or pregnancy, of conflict over our sexual choices with friends or family, of finding out things about ourselves or our partners which may change our feelings or lives, amongst other things. Sexuality involves very deep intimacy and feelings and when we explore those feelings, we take risks.
That isn't to say that all risks are bad to take, and on some level, in order to also discover things that ARE healthy for us, that are beneficial and bring us joy, we do have to take risks and chances. That's the case whether we're talking about a sexual relationship or scenario, or trying out for the school basketball team, applying to colleges, or getting your first apartment. But taking risks which we know or suspect are foolhardy, which are more likely than not to harm us or others, or are grossly negative, is risking too much for too little, and sometimes for all the wrong reasons. Again, sex need not be harmful or hurtful, and can be a very positive and wonderful thing -- and when it is not, it may be because we are creating or continuing the situations and environments which make it negative for us and others. We all need to learn to avoid doing that, to be mindful of it, if we want our sexual lives and relationships to be healthy, happy and of real quality.
And isn't that what we all want? So, go on and take a big risk -- the risk of handling sexual relationships with care and patience, and with your whole health and well-being -- physical and emotional; personal and communal -- at heart.
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