At some point, every parent would welcome help or useful advice on dealing with common parenting challenges and problems. Naturally, we all want to raise happy and healthy kids. However, we all know that communicating with children includes more than just talking to them. So, let%26rsquo;s try to learn to communicate effectively.
Communication with children
It is essential that what you say gets through to your kids, and you should make sure they really understand what you are saying. In order to have truly effective communication, there has to be an exchange of thoughts, ideas, and feelings from one mind to another. The greatest amount of stress on the lines of communication between parents and their children come during the period of their adolescence, also known as the teen years. Numerous things go into establishing and keeping the lines of communication operating properly. Before a baby can understand speech, parents must communicate to it feelings of security and love. If this continues as the child grows, then it will help strengthen the lines of communication between you and your kids. Of course, we all know this is not easy. One thing that you must do at a young age is encourage your child to be expressive, a very important factor of a happy life. Children have a need to learn and they crave the attention and time of their parents. A child may burst into the room and excitedly begin relating some event to his father or mother. If we cut the child off with an irritated voice or make some other angry expression, their enthusiasm will be crushed. Childish chatter may not seem to convey much, but by encouraging natural expression from your children, you may prevent them later in life from keeping to themselves things that you want and need to know. Politeness and courtesy contribute to good and effective communication with your kids.
In order for children to learn to be polite, their parents have to set a good example first. Once they see parents as a good example, they will probably follow it. However, if children are habitually cut off, or continually corrected and ridiculed by their parents, they are more likely to become withdrawn. They are also likely to go and talk to someone else about their problem. As your child grows older this will become more common, especially in their teenage years.
Communicating effectively
The two things you will want to keep in mind during communication with your kids: patience and self-control. Since most kids are inclined to be impetuous, they may blurt out whatever is on their minds. They might even interrupt your adult conversation. Instead of instantly rejecting them or casting them aside, it would be better to listen politely. After this, you should kindly remind them to be polite. This will give them a good example of self-control they should follow. Anyone who has tried this method with their own kids has found it most helpful. Of course, we all want our kids to seek us out when they have a problem or need guidance. It would be the best to have your kids grow accustomed to talking about any problems they%26rsquo;re having at night before they go to bed. You could make it as a routine of story time, and then ask them if there is anything they would like to talk about.
Adolescence as a difficult period for communication
Adolescence is a very difficult time for your children; their bodies undergo changes, and these affect their emotions. Your approach to their problems may have to change in time. It is also very important for parents to take the initiative to start a conversation. This will not be an easy task for those who have not kept the lines of communication open with their children during the last few years. When your child finally does become a teenager, you%26rsquo;ll want really to take the time to understand their needs and wants. It will not be the same as when they were young children, because it%26rsquo;s much harder to communicate effectively with a teenager then with kids. It is best to think back to when you were young and try to put yourself in their shoes. Most young adults want to feel needed and appreciated, so you should also expect to have some measure of resistance to restrictions that you will need to implement as they approach their teen years.
Do not let your authority be ignored or overruled during communication. Keep in mind that this is for your children%26rsquo;s own good. When problems do arise, it is important that you try to understand and not make major issues out of minor things they are complaining of. Besides this, you should not let another person%26rsquo;s opinion affect the way you raise your children. You know your child better than anyone else, and no one should be able to communicate with them better than you can. You have the power of control over your children, but it must be reinforced with knowledge and understanding. You will make mistakes, as every parent does, but what is important is how you handle these mistakes.
Working with guilt
How many times have we heard parents talking with their kids, trying to assert a feeling of guilt? For example, %26ldquo;You should be ashamed of yourselves; you%26rsquo;ve done nothing of value all summer, all you do is lay around watching television, eating junk food, and leaving a mess in the family room%26rdquo;. Furthermore, parents may tell the kids how their poor mother works her fingers to the bone cleaning up after them. How they don%26rsquo;t have any respect or level of feeling for their mother, and if they do, they do not show it. How their mother is a good woman, and does not deserve to be treated the way they treat her.
Many parents stage this little performance in order to manipulate their children into behaving in a desired fashion. They dispense a huge dose of guilt hoping this might help improve communication.
Parents who use shame and guilt as a motivator do so because they believe that this technique encourages their children to change. The idea is that if children can be shamed into feeling guilty, they will change their behavior. Off course, this should lead do doing what the parents desire. We all know there are times when shaming works and produces the behavior we want from out children. However, we must consider the price that this entails.
Children who are shamed regularly usually come to believe that their shame is justified, that they must have earned it and they deserve it. They develop core beliefs of being not good enough, wrong, not worthwhile. Children who have these core beliefs see themselves as shameful, and act in accordance with their beliefs. We definitely do not want this to happen. This negative belief system tends to attract increased shaming from significant adults later in their lives. This reinforces their negative core beliefs later in life. These children often get caught up in a self-depreciating cycle of behavior and parental response that is difficult to exit. Shame and guilt often backfire, because their use produces resistance and resentment. Children realize on some level that parents manipulated, pushed, and controlled them by this talk. That is why manipulation nd control breed resentment, and pushing calls forth pushing back.
What else should we avoid in communication with our kids?
Phrases such as %26ldquo;you kids ought to be ashamed of yourself%26rdquo; or %26ldquo;what will the neighbors think%26rdquo; and the like should not be used in effective communication, as they ultimately prove not be effective at all. Also try to avoid telling that someone who loves their mother or father would never do something they did. It is also not good example telling them how they %26ldquo;should know better%26rdquo;, or how their behavior gives you a headache. If you are one of the parents using these methods, once you hear yourself using any of the phrases above, try an alternative.
Instead of dispensing shame-based communication, use a different style of parent-talk, one that is open, honest, and direct. You should try to present choices to your children. Explain what happens if they choose a certain behavior, and what happens if they do not. Allow them to choose and then experience the legitimate consequences of the behavior they choose. Children learn more from a caring adult who helps them evaluate their choices and the results that follow. This works much more effectively than learning from one who shames them and continually lays guilt.
If you have strong feelings about a certain type of behavior or a desired response, tell the child directly what is on your mind. You have to develop a habit of explaining reasons for your feelings. Step out of the resistance-resentment cycle by telling the children exactly what you expect from them and why. For example, you should say you are angry about the broken window, and your child will need to find a way to pay for it. It is much more effective than saying how your kid should have known better.
To achieve effective communication with your kid, you must refuse to be one of those parents who cause children to feel shame and guilt for their actions. Communicate honestly without sneaking shame into the equation, and stay centered in your efforts to raise respectful, responsible children. Do it by modeling those attributes in your own behavior and in your parent talk.
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